At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
