When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Reggie can tackle my bush.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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