My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
