My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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