tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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