hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
