this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
