you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
