If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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