Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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