Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
