Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
