we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
