I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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