she woke up with a sticky ear
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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