so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
