I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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