The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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