No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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