I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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