hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
