In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
