Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
