woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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