There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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