Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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