i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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