U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
