i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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