Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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