I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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