I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
