I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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