she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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