smell my finger.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
