I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
