i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
