You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
