I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
