Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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