stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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