just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
