I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
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What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
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He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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