Whats the glycemic index on semen?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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