Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
