You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
