I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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