Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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