Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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