If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
