She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
PANTIES FOUND
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