The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
