I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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