Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
