I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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