brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
