New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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