Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
