I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
